Awareness

Awareness is the subject that I've had in mind lately. Awareness is something that I will explore again and again. It is something I crave, something that I need to improve in my own life in order to feel satisfied. To acheive one's ultimate "awareness" is to mentally examine and organize ideas- big and small, to comprehend, to be present in every way possible.

I will admit one of my most outstanding flaws is disassociation. My tendency to disassociate myself from the present moment is so frequent that my sense of identity has suffered from a very early age. I'm not quite sure how I developed this personality flaw. I rarely consider it to be a serious issue, therefore I allow it to be excused. I feel as though I watch the world from behind a glass window, and I accept it. At times I feel like my voice is not my own and the words I project have no real purpose but to break the silence. My thoughts race but my actions take time. Since October 2011, my body has been even slower to operate. Happiness begins with energy. Since my energy tank has been severely drained (likely a result of depression, confusion, and physical toll) I am noticing this disssociation every day. I continue to operate myself in a very predictable manner for the most part. My mind fights words like "depression," "frustration," "boredom," and "apathy." Meanwhile, I carry on with a laugh and volunteer the least complex of conversations as to avoid stimulating these words in my mind. This is self control, but this is not the healthiest of self control. This is day in and day out, a consistant battle between mind and reality. From an outside perspective, I am a relatively simple person. I am shy with people I'm unfamiliar with, and I am silly and happy with those who are close. Inside I am experiencing an entirely different situation with my own whirling thoughts. I am not present, and in not being present I am displaying a false presentation of myself and thought processes that are very misaligned with reality.

There are plenty of people who lead complicated lives and lose touch with reality. My focus is to be one of the few who do not.


I Choose…
to live by choice, not by chance;
to make changes, not excuses;
to be motivated, not manipulated;
to be useful, not used;
to excel, not compete;
I choose self-esteem, not self-pity.
I choose to listen to my inner voice
not the random opinion of others
The higher you climb, the more you see.
The more you see, the less you know.
The less you know the more you learn
The more you learn, the higher you climb.
The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high
And we miss it, but it is too low and we reach it. -Author Unknown